No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
Up until August 2012 I walked through life in a restless sleep. Then, suddenly, my heart jarred wide awake. When I divorced my ex-husband I could no longer ignore the hurricane of hurt inside my heart. Sight is a funny thing. With wide awake eyes I am able to see beauty in all its splendor.
Baby steps and the arms of Jesus led me through the divorce. And still, there was something deeper. I thought it was fear. All my life, I thought I was afraid. I was not afraid. I was just really, really sad.
I’m sad still. I will be 26 in August and I never grieved the loss of my mother who died when I was three. Almost twenty six years later I am finally feeling all those years I slept through. This horrible feeling I’ve been trying not to feel for so long. I thought it was fear.
How surprised I am. This thing that hurts so much is love. Sometimes love is the deep sorrow you feel for the loss of someone who was greatly treasured. I don’t think I ever knew that before.
So I give myself permission to be sad for a while. I trust my heart is strong enough now to process this pain. It takes a very brave person to cry. I choose to be brave.