i wish you the very center of things


I sometimes forget I am not the center of my universe.

Yesterday I wrote a letter of heartfelt apology to the man who recently asked me to marry him. It was a big step, publicly broadcasting both my love for him and my own folly. I’ve been so scared to share this part of my life with others. Only one or two close friends and immediate family members know. I’m not sure why I’ve been hiding our engagement from the world for the past couple of months. Mostly, I think, I am scared of what people will say, what people will think, “Engaged?? So soon? Scandalous.”

This fear of what others think also trickles into other aspects of my life. I don’t consider myself a great artist, I’ve had no training, I’ve never been to art school. Actually, there have been no art classes of any kind. It’s been hard publishing my scribbling for everyone to see. I know there are artists far more trained and talented than me. It’s also been hard to write. There are authors out there who are more eloquent and thought-provoking than me. It was even hard to open a tiny little card shop on Etsy.com. There are more ambitious businesswomen than me.

This obsession with um, myself, it often steals my joy. I am, at times, too self-focused, excruciatingly self-centered. One of my favorite bloggers actually wrote something along the same lines. It’s fantastic. Wonderful. Check it out here: http://lauralawsonvisconti.com/blog/blog/idol

It got me thinking, I might be “my own idol” too.

In the quiet moments, when I seek God’s face, the gentle reminder always comes, “Remember who you are writing for, painting for, L I V I N G for”. Jesus at the center of it all. Jesus at the center of my life- no, “our” life. My hubby-to-be, Jesus, and me.

Today’s painting isn’t a painting at all. It’s a first sketch, a work in progress, a naked picture; no watercolor clothes smoothing out rough edges, masking errant pencil lines. It’s authentic imperfection and I surrender it all.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.
Matthew 13:45-46 KJV

Dear World, I wish you the very center of things.

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