I’ve never liked bedtime and I do not enjoy the process of falling to sleep. I find it lonely. The bright green trees and tender saplings of hope I am able to nuture during waking hours, at night, this same fruitful orchard seems to cast dark abstract shadows. Everything looks a bit different in the dark. I still struggle with depression. For me, it takes a daily effort to prune away anxiety and fear. At the end of the day my body is tired and my mind grows weary.
Before bed, my mind begins to rest. It often wanders and unbends in unframed shadows. Leaps of faith taken during the day, in the shadows, now appear completely foolish and sometimes irresponsible. What if I made the wrong business decision? What if the money doesn’t come through? What if this relationship doesn’t work out? What if I heard God wrong? What if I’m left all alone [again]? Worry, my mind always comes to rest in worry- not very restful at all.
On nights like these if I am able to pray patiently, believe away the fear, ever so softly, a melody eventually invades the dark spaces. Its gentle song soothes away the worry. It is so hard to enter into quiet resting places. To press through worry and fear. It’s much easier to find a much wanted distraction. It’s so hard to press into the healing places; these meadows being preceded by thorny thickets. The melody within the meadow is so worth it though. And so, as painful as the praying, waiting, and believing might be, I am resolved, for the rest of my nights, to press in.
Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
Dear World, I wish you a night time melody.